“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I sit here, four days out of a boot from an avulsion fracture of the cuboid bone in my right foot, I find myself consumed with thoughts about running. It’s coming up on seven weeks since I first injured my foot…a long time for a runner to not be running.

This injury comes on the heels of a terrible two-and-a-half year stretch for me as a runner. In the spring of 2014, I began to have trouble with what I now know was the start of a serious flare of my autoimmune condition (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis). It would be six months before I got some insight as to what was happening, another 15 months after that (January 2016) before I found a doc who could help get my immune system under control. I haven’t set a PR of consequence since fall of 2013. That was also the last time I really felt like myself. Seems like a lifetime ago.

So here I sit. Coming off of a big injury at the tail end of a terrible couple of years. After getting over my initial anger about the injury (it came at a terrible time…we had to cancel a much-anticipated trip to Zion National Park – quite possibly my favorite place on Earth, and I started a new job on crutches), I’ve landed in a place that’s incredibly liberating. I can finally let go of any shred of the past, as any tiny bit of fitness I thought had stayed with me the last few years is certainly gone now. And after running five Boston Marathons in a row, more than I ever dreamed would be possible for this girl of modest talent, I’m now coming into the second year in a row where I don’t have a qualifier. No race has brought more joy and pride than what I felt standing in the starting corral in Hopkinton. But letting go of that expectation, that goal, has been liberating too.

2017 will be a year of rebuilding. Not only do I have an injury to rehabilitate from, but I have three years of illness to recover from as well. My November lab results were the best numbers I’ve had since my Hashi’s spun out of control in 2014. Things still aren’t “normal”, but they’re close. Close enough that I wake up with ease most mornings, even if I don’t want to actually get up (because who wants to get out of bed in the cold dark of December); close enough that for the first time in years I’m not cold all of the time; close enough that my brain works most days; close enough that it feels safe to set goals again.

While the marathon is my first love, the race that captured my heart, I plan to wait at least another year before attempting the distance. The last marathon I ran was Boston in April 2015, eons ago for someone who typically runs three-to-four per year. The race was a disaster (and not just because the weather was terrible), just like the several marathons before it had been. I’ll spend the first half of the year focusing short distances, 10k or less. If the summer goes well, I’ll try a half marathon in the fall, but I’m content to run nothing but 5ks and 10ks if that’s what it takes to get well again. And besides, the faster I get now, the faster my return marathon will be. 🙂

Why does this matter? Because as any runner knows, running is freedom. Running isn’t about the running at all. It’s about setting a goal and having the discipline to chase it. It’s about accomplishing things you never felt you could (see the five Boston Marathons mentioned above). It’s about spending time with your friends, whether it’s a short run on a random Tuesday night, or a weekend trip out of town. It’s time to clear your head, to make sense of all of the bullish!t. It’s quite possible that all of these words are on this page because this runner can’t run.

Any runner who’s been injured, or had a long layoff that wasn’t of their choosing, knows this feeling, this place. This experience isn’t unique. The challenges of the past few years have been moderated by the encouragement and commiseration of friends who’ve had their own go at this game. I know that I’ll be back. Things won’t be the same as they were before, but then again they never are. We only fool ourselves into thinking such. So I’m biding my time, hopeful for the future. I’ll leave you with a little ditty from one of my favorite bands, which sums it up nicely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PkcfQtibmU