I made it to day seven…one full week without eating any grains, legumes, dairy, alcohol, added sugar, or artificial sweeteners. Not one sandwich, not one diet soda, not one bite of cheese, not one piece of gum. Because I don’t drink coffee or much tea, it also meant not having caffeine. Honestly, getting here feels like a miracle.

This week has been HARD. I had no illusions about how challenging it would be and there were days where it felt hour-to-hour. If it wasn’t a craving for a sandwich, it was a diet coke or a piece of gum. The cravings were everywhere, some of them more out of habit (I LOVE routine) than a particular desire for the food (which is insightful in-and-of itself). My sleep schedule has been a mess…I’ve been in bed by 8:30p three different evenings, by 9:00p the other three, and awake at 4:30a a handful of mornings. Some nights have been really restful, others not so much. Focusing at work in the afternoons nearly took an act of God.

But it’s not been all bad…since I can’t spend my lunch hour enjoying a sandwich at the little bakery around the corner from my office, I’ve been bringing my lunch, eating at my desk, and then going for a walk outside after I’m done eating. I’ve yet to find a route that allows me to avoid all of the smokers out on their own lunch breaks, and it doesn’t prevent the crash from not having a diet soda, but the fresh air makes me happy and it feels good to get some exercise in the middle of the day. Also, since I can’t have gum, I’m taking a toothbrush and toothpaste to leave at my desk at work. I never would have guessed that the Whole30 would lead to more tooth-brushing. I’ve been drinking a ton of water, and while I was well-hydrated before, I do think drinking primarily water for a few weeks is going to help flush my system of a whole bunch of crap. On the suggestion of a friend, I’ve been adding lemon essential oil to it sometimes, which provides welcome variety (thanks, Jenni!). Lastly, the bloat in my stomach is completely gone. I went into this with 20 lbs to lose, so there is no doubt that I need to make changes for the long haul, but my belly is noticeably flatter after just a week (I’m lookin’ at you, grains and dairy).

I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have made it through the week without M, who did the heavy lifting with dinner several nights and gently reminded me more than once why I was doing this (I did A LOT of bitching mid-week…the “kill all the things” phase is legit). Initially, I would’ve preferred to start this when he was on a trip, just so he could avoid the first-week drama, but I’m really glad he ended up being home. Week two will be all me, but I feel prepared.

This week has forced me to confront every bad habit I have related to food, which is exactly what I need. Having my sister going through this right along with me has been a huge help…not letting her down is almost as much motivation as not letting myself down. In a lot of ways, it’s hard and miserable, but there’s no denying that my digestive system is happier. From what I’ve read, the cravings should diminish in another week or so. And there’s something called “tiger blood” in Whole30 circles that is supposed to be pretty amazing. That doesn’t show up until late in the process, but I’d love to feel that good. It’s been a while.

I hate rules. I dislike being put in a metaphorical box. And I am the worst with absolutions. I’m really good at doing things 95% of the time, but terrible at 100%. So why is this girl doing a Whole30, a program that requires complete adherence to the rules? You could say that I’m desperate…my several-year struggle with an autoimmune condition gone rogue is well-documented, as are the adverse effects on my well-being. And while I’ve made up a lot of ground on recovering from a crappy couple of years, I feel like I’m running at about 70% of my pre-2014 self. I still feel tired a lot, I’ve been getting sick frequently the last few months and I continue to carry 20 extra pounds. All three of these suggest strongly that I still have work to do.

A bit of background…most people who have an autoimmune condition also have an unhealthy gastrointestinal (GI) system. In fact, an unhealthy gut often precedes the onset of an autoimmune disorder. When the system works as it should, the insides of our intestines function essentially like the outside of the body, as it’s only through a very sophisticated barrier between the inside of the intestines and the circulatory system that certain molecules get through. So in this sense, the barrier is permeable in that it lets the good stuff through, but it also holds back all manner of toxins, bacteria, and pathogens. When the process works as it should, the digestive system breaks down the food so that the GI system can release the good stuff into the circulatory system and it can send the bad stuff on down the road (to the toilet).

In many cases before an autoimmune condition presents, this barrier breaks down. The permeability of the gut lining is increased, meaning some of the bad stuff slips through. As you’d expect, these invaders trigger an immune response, which can unleash a cascade of other reactions. Often times, a misbehaving immune system is a factor as well, but many studies show that the “leaky gut” comes first. (If you want to read more about intestinal permeability and autoimmunity, check out Sarah Ballantyne, Ph.D.’s website).

Much research is still being done to better understand what causes intestinal permeability in some people, but most scientists agree that environmental triggers are a significant factor, including stress and diet. When it comes to food, there is considerable research to suggest that grains, dairy and legumes are big offenders. (Again, check out Sarah Ballantyne’s site if you want to read more about this.) As a result, a paleo diet is often recommended by progressive medical providers as part of the treatment plan for an autoimmune condition.

Now back to the Whole30…for those that aren’t familiar with the program, it’s essentially a 30-day elimination diet that’s intended to be a reset of sorts. For 30-days, participants eat nutritious, whole foods – fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, seafood, and meat. They avoid grains, legumes, added sugar, artificial sweeteners (including no gum), alcohol and compliant paleo baked goods with the intent of breaking some bad habits, reducing inflammation, and learning how certain foods impact the body. To keep the focus on the process, not weighing oneself during the 30 days is also a rule. The rules are strict – no cheating, not even one bite, or you start over. This is where things usually start to break down for me.

I attempted a Whole30 not long after we moved back from Fort Collins in 2015. I didn’t make it all of the through the 30 days (see the part about sucking at absolutions), but I did make some significant changes and noticeably felt better. Life got in the way though, and the changes didn’t stick. Since then I’ve made several other half-hearted attempts at improving my diet, but they never last.

In January 2016, I started seeing a new physician, and she’s been encouraging me to address my diet since our first appointment. She’s a proponent of the Wahl’s protocol, which has a paleo foundation with emphasis on certain fruits and vegetables to support mitochondrial health. Dr. Wahl’s developed her protocol while suffering from severe multiple sclerosis, which is also an autoimmune condition. In my case, medication simply treats the thyroid damage caused by the autoimmune condition, not the rogue immune system, and it’s on me to address that component. Diet is a significant part of getting things back under control.

So in an effort to finally follow doctor’s orders and address the underlying issues fueling my autoimmune condition, I’m doing a Whole30, despite the program being exactly the opposite of what I’d prefer to do. My sister Megan is joining me, she’s a Whole30 veteran and all-around badass (my sister Erin is a badass too, for the record). I hope that the accountability of a partner will help me stay focused, and get me to follow the rules (for once). My motivation for doing it is 90% related to my health and 10% due to my desire to wear my old pants. I have some really cute clothes that I haven’t been able to wear for a while. I believe that my poor diet (poor compared to the recommendations of my doc) is the biggest roadblock between me and good health. Most of the population can eat a “normal” diet and be perfectly healthy, unfortunately I am not one of those people. It’s frustrating to acknowledge that I am a barrier to my own recovery. If I can’t get back to the level of health I had before this recent flare, I don’t want it to be because I won’t stop eating pizza.

Today (Feb. 6) is Day 1. I expect to feel like crap for 7-10 days while my body adapts to the lower-carb, sugar-free diet. I’ll miss my midday diet soda and the energy boost it provides. In exchange though, I expect to sleep better, have more energy, have increased focus and finally break some really bad habits (see the midday diet soda above). I hope to lose a few pounds, but that’s not my primary motivation. Also, I want to remind myself that I can do hard things.  Someday, I hope to be a marathon runner again, and remembering I can do hard things will be important.

To give myself the best chance of success, I’m sharing this post to have a reminder of why I’m doing this and to hold myself accountable. I’m also recommitting myself to my meditation practice and journaling throughout the 30 days. I have no doubt that my sister will finish this, I’d really like to finish it with her.